The Land Rover Defender is such an iconic name in the world of off-road vehicles. With a varied...
Ok. So we’ve been thinking… if a zombie apocalypse ever hits us, or AI goes rogue, or the skies open and giant frogs start raining down, what should we all do?
And in terms of cars to escape the chaos with, your best chance of survival possibly isn’t a Tesla, but more likely a trusty, hardworking Defender, no?
Whether you’re dodging aliens or outrunning a comet, if you had to choose a solid line of defence, the Defender is surely the answer to get you through it all. But would yours currently be ready for the end of the world as we know it? And would today’s optional surfboard carrier be a necessary piece of kit in that event? So many questions…
Anyway, we’ve got you. Here’s a bit of light relief from any existential questioning, on how to Armageddon-proof your Defender, so that you can always keep calm and carry on - through anything nature (or otherwise) throws at us…
Right, let’s start with the big guns. Fit a winch - a sturdy one
If you think you’re going to survive the collapse of civilisation without pulling yourself out of muddy fields or through piled-up supermarket carparks, think again. A front-mounted winch isn’t just practical, it’s nigh-on heroic. You can also rescue stranded neighbours from ditches, and move fallen trees from the road to allow traffic through. Massive brownie points all round, for sure.
Also potentially excellent for pulling cages of zombies into a pit, we might suggest.
Just a thought.
Go full on Mad Max with your storage and supplies
Spare fuel containers, water butts, roof racks, shovels… whatever you need to flee the wastelands safely. Just remember to tie everything down securely unless you want your axe flying through the windscreen at the first pothole you hit. Extra points awarded for a roof tent being included, and a walkie-talkie so you can shout things such as, ‘Base camp, this is Badger 1! Situation hostile!’
This is getting exciting…
Get some massive tyres
Bog-standard road tyres? Oh, goodness - no. You’ll be wanting huge, all-terrain, beadlock tyres that look like they belong on something that roams effortlessly across the moon. Bonus points if they kick up enough stones and gravel to discourage looters from following in your wake, too. Run-flats, too, surely…
How big is your snorkel?
Sorry to get personal, but it’s an important question. A snorkel isn’t just for off-roading in the Shires; it’s for driving through toxic floods, bogs and rivers that have suddenly become the new M25. Might we suggest you get one that looks intimidating, even if you never venture deeper than a puddle. It’s all about the vibe. And yes, you’ll still feel smug at the car wash in the meantime.
Are you bulletproof?
Cue the song about titanium, and having nothing to lose. OK, so you probably can’t actually fully bulletproof a Defender, but you could reinforce it with bash plates, heavy-duty bumpers and rock sliders. Not only do they protect vital parts when fleeing from goodness knows what, they also make your Defender look like it could win a fight against a rhinoceros. Which, in the end times, might come in handy as who knows how many rhinos might end up on the loose…
Bring on the lights
Forget those factory-fitted flickers. You’ll need a light bar capable of landing an aircraft, surely? Whether you’re navigating through pitch-black woodland or scaring off whatever creature is sniffing around your makeshift camp, proper lighting is essential. Just try not to blind every other survivor within a 10-mile radius of you, Griswold-Christmas style…
You’ll be needing a compass
When the satellites go down and your touchscreen starts showing nothing but your own reflection, you’ll be glad you’ve got a good old-fashioned compass and paper map, perhaps stuck to the dashboard with some Blu Tack.
Failing that, you can pick up that friend who claims to be ex-military and insists ‘we’re definitely heading west’ every ten minutes, whilst scratching their head.
Include a secret tea (read: gin) compartment
This is a Defender we're talking about; an iconic British legend. No matter what the situation, you will need tea (and possibly something a little stronger for the dark nights when parked up). Install a compartment for a secret stash of Yorkshire Tea, and don’t forget a small gas burner and a battered enamel mug. When the dust settles and the birds are circling the horizon, nothing says ‘stiff upper lip’ like a good cup of tea brewing on the bonnet.
Such fun! Of course, other people might be relying on high-tech bunkers and drones, but you’ll be cruising the zombie wastelands in your trusty, pimped-up Defender - and no doubt looking darn good whilst doing it.
One thing’s for sure - you and your Defender will thrive, not just survive!
Now, where's that walkie-talkie...
